When you posted on Instagram about marrying Tanya and co-parenting with her, you spoke of your long time friendship and of Tanya being your safe space. Has this relationship changed your life? How?
Even good change has bad results but in time it is all revealed. The path will always allow for us to become the people we are meant to be. For me saying it out loud wasn’t the moment. I think knowing happened, when I asked my Voorfadders for a wish I wished for someone that will love me, someone that will honour me, someone I can laugh with, someone who knows me, someone that won’t want to change me. I found that in her. When we focus on our actual needs we can see the gifts life sent to us. When I knew she was the one that was when my life changed. I saw the work in their hands. But life has a funny way of sending you messages. A year before this happened, I went to see a prophet in Voosloorus. The counseling session lead me to tears as she came back from the trance she said: “your Ancestors want you to be straight” and I was like “cool but how.” But little did I know the plans life had for me.
I think it’s inevitable to change. I mean, my entire life has changed but it’s good change. It has also had bad reactions that don’t always look good at first glance but after a while you need to shed as a human.
Has your idea of love or marriage evolved with your own experience with Tanya?
I think we meet each other half way which is why this works so well. We accept each other at the core level. To my surprise, it’s incredible to be her man. I feel a sense of providing for her, keeping her safe and being her biggest fan. It’s not something I always found in relationships before. I believe it’s the honesty we share that makes me feel safe and therefore I don’t carry shame in this relationship, there is nothing to hide.
Do you believe marriage still holds the same value in today’s culture?
There were so many lies in the past; for example, our parents never told us how to overcome disagreements, how to debate without fighting or how to say sorry. My experiences growing up seeing these "kerk mense" holding themselves as these god obeying humans but when the door closes the picture changes. I think you need to make it what you want it to be. Always respecting, upholding and respecting your partner. When you know where each other stands, then you can concern yourself with the things that matter to you two and strip the outside noise.
What qualities do you think are most important in a partner?
Her laugh, her legs, her soft heart, the way she loves me, the way she makes me feel, the way I feel safe that I can see my future in her eyes.
What does doing life with Tanya look like?
Fucking amazing! We didn’t plan to fall in love … We have done this life thing backwards but every step we talk, we get to know each other a little better and allow each other to heal.
What role do family traditions or cultural expectations play in your view of marriage/committed relationships?
I am Afrikaans, she is Shona. It’s world winds apart but, culturally, the respect that you show a woman is the same. You are caring without being belittling. You do things as it’s your duty. In marriage, we haven’t really indulged in either way, our two cultures coming together. As her dad spent lots of time in Nigeria I brought Kola nuts, expensive alcohol and asked to have her hand in marriage.
How do you and Tanya balance out independence and togetherness?
We don’t. We are madly in love. We are individuals but we want to be together and choose to spend a lot of time together.
What values do you want to pass down to your children about love and commitment?
Be honest to yourself and your partner, do it your way, love yourself first, Be honest, vulnerability is a great trait.
If you could give one bit of advice to your younger self about relationships, what would that be?
Go harder while you single.
In a few sentences, what’s your philosophy of love?
Love, it comes in all forms, you need to receive love to give love. But only when you are safe you can open the doors wide enough to receive what you are worth.
And last, you’ve said Tanya is your “ride or die” - tell us about it.
My life has always been a roller coaster of grand gestures. Giving her the surprise of a wedding was my ultimate love letter to her. Loving her has been the easiest thing. And as corny as it sounds she makes me a better human. I want to spend the entirety of my life with her and share every moment with her.
Did Tanya tell you about the lady bug at the wedding?
"I think we meet each other half way which is why this works so well."
We met at an Ad agency in 2018; we were working on a fashion brand together - Francois as a stylist, Tanya as client service. From the very moment we chatted, we became close friends - it was an instant friendship.
We found common ground in our authentic approach to life, experience, adventure and laughter. We also somehow knew we could trust each other, and we have shared so many things with each other throughout our friendship.
Then, in 2024; one day Francois asked if we should co-parent. We found ourselves at 38, not in serious relationships (or even looking) and yearning to be parents. When we really thought about it, we couldn’t think of anyone better than each other, to have kids with. That’s when things shifted.
We moved in together (in an attempt to make sure we actually could live together before we had kids) and as the universe, God - whatever you believe in - would have it, we fell in love a month after moving in together, and the rest, as they say - is history.
He planned a surprise wedding because he knows me so well, he knew that I’d be a wreck doing it without my mother’s presence. That’s the level of consideration and kindness he emanates. What more could we ask for?
About 3 years ago I listened to a podcast where they were speaking about envisioning the life you want. I sat down and wrote down the story of what I wanted my life to look like; and under “love” I wrote things like (to paraphrase):
I never in a million years would have thought that when it happened, it would be one of my dearest, best friends.
Francois has never for a second made me guess or assume his feelings or his intentions.
This relationship has been so organic. That is something I wouldn’t give up for the world. I am proud to call him my husband. I think what a lot of people focus on is how the relationship “makes sense” or “looks like on the outside” - but for us, it has always been about what it’s like when we’re alone, at home, actually living life.
I don’t know if I believe in soul mates, but I do believe that when you lay your cards on the table, and you come to the person you love with an open, honest heart and say “this is who I am” - the person that is for you will say “I know, and that’s the person I want to do life with.”
I also truly believe that friendship is so important. We know things about each other beyond having to “show up” - we’ve been so lucky that there hasn’t been much to learn.
We hear each other, we complement each other in that where he is not strong, those are my strengths, and those things have only made us stronger.
We don’t have a “traditional” relationship, nothing about the way we got together probably makes sense to anyone but us; our roles may not be what society deems “normal”, but that’s what makes us strong. I can genuinely say that I have never made the “decision” to love him, it happened naturally and organically and has never been anything but easy or authentic. I said “I love you” first; and even then, when I laid my heart on the line, I knew I meant it, and when I fell for him, he caught me. I care more for his heart than my own. I support his deepest dreams and desires like they are my own, in him I have a partner, a best friend and a safe space. We are equals in the things that matter, but he has also stepped up to be the head of our household in ways that I (a fiercely independent woman who was raised by a single father) would never have thought I’d let myself take over.
If I was to describe our marriage in a few words I’d say:
-Respectful and Kind
-Safe
-Authentic
"We found common ground in our authentic approach to life, experience, adventure and laughter."